Trans-Atlantica - Airports and Airplanes.

So, this morning was the morning! I was finally able to depart on my journey across the clouds! Into lands unknown and no doubt full of adventure! At least I hope so, otherwise this is going to be a very dull and short lived segment.

I know I touched on this last time, but I love flying. The act of sitting in a plane and hurtling through the sky is something I take a great amount of pleasure in, and the thrill of take-off is something that always leaves me giddy and lurching my neck towards the nearest window. If you want proof of a miracle, don't look to the ethereal - Look at the way mankind rebelled at the idea of being on the ground, padding along on their own two feet like the vast majority of mammals, and launched themselves into the sky, the sea and the very depths of space.

Flying also doesn't take all that long really. Oh, I know it can feel like.forever, but it's really not! My own flight took roughly eleven or twelve hours actual flight time to cover thousands of miles, so for me, it's not an unattractive way to travel at all.

That is, of course, until you factor in airports. Airports are, for the most part, a waste of everyone's time. The level of security is downright demoralizing and even if you accept that level of discomfort for the sake of national security, there's still the infuriating design and management choices that leave your gates a mile apart, with ten minutes to get there because they don't show where you need to be until then and a boarding system that makes getting on and off aircraft an absolute nightmare.

I've spent my entire day on airplanes and in airports. This should give you an idea of the tone of what's about to come.

I started it generally buzzed, if not terribly nervous. Well, truth be told I started it positively baffled because, well...

This is the knife I received with my bacon sandwich in Wetherspoons in Birmingham and I have no idea what it's for. It's not for spreading as that had already been taken care of and I don't see that diddy blade cutting a piece of paper let alone through bread and bacon, do what is it for?! And for that matter, what is it with Wetherspoons and book shelves these days?

But I digress, that was the first of the minor puzzlements that was to colour my day.

I left Birmingham for Amsterdam early in the the morning on KLM airlines, and I honestly don't think I have enough good things to say about KLM airlines. It's not so much that they're good, as it is that they're absurdly stereotypical. It's like the airline was run by a British sitcom's idea of the Dutch, and it made the experience of flying with then and being bombarded with their native language and highly accented English a pleasure. I'm not just being an ignorant little Englander here,making fun of Johnny Forgiener with his silly accent - They encourage it. Check out their plastic cups for goodness sake!

I really can't say enough good things about my limited stay in Amsterdam airport either. I mean, it still looked like any other airport from the outside,

But all credit to the place, the gate for my connecting flight was right around the corner from the flight I had just walked off and they let you go there almost immediately. That being said though, the immigration officer there was surprisingly intense - Although that could be just the fact that his accent both intensified and softened everything he said, but he was still more laid back and to the point than his American conterparts... But then he is Dutch afterall, I suppose.

Overall, great little airport, and Amsterdam's schizophrenic gift shops containing traditional windmills and clogs and their widely renown soft drug and red light culture are worth nosing in alone, especially if you're after tasteful souvenirs for the entire family. Shame about the bizarrely conspicuous and somewhat tacky Irish theme pub though...

From there I moved onto the biggie, eight hours from Amsterdam to Miniapolis via Delta airlines. Delta aren't all that bad really, they actually give you free headphones instead of trying to charge you five dollars for them and as the flight was near empty there was plenty of room to move and laze about. Although, one question does arise...

I can't embed video on this device, but give this a click and then please, join me in asking, wtf is this bout of insanity that distracts you from the actual safety content Delta?! Seriously, with my first safety announcement mostly being in anotherlanguage and then that I'm pretty certain that the airlines were counting on me dying in the event of an accident.

On reflection, I think my rant above may be less about airports in general and more about American airports. I don't want to dwell on it, but as soon as we hit Minneaplois my mood tanked. I spoke last time about my fears of immigration and to be honest I did kind of breeze through it this time (apparently nobody thinks my month long stay is as bizarre as I do), but the wait to get there alone is soul destroying. It's the closest to seeing human beings herded like cattle that I've experienced and if there are things closer I never want to experience them. Of course, I also said that fresh horrors would await and I was sadly prophetic there too. As I was coming onto the final door, having cleared immigration, cleared customs, breezed my way through checks at two other airports in two other countries, one single old man behind the very last desk in front of the very last door to my very last flight decides that my passport doesn't look like me.

The phrases typical, sod's law and all others of their ilk don't even begin to cover it.

At one point I had four men pouring over my passport and several other forms of ID I'd desperatly thrown out at that point to show that, you know,people change appearance over time, and my heart was going so fast it was painful. I'm glad they let me in, because I think if they hadn't that would've dropped me there and then. I was feeling pangs from that for almost half an hour afterwards, and if there's only one black mark on this trip then that would be a bloody dark stain for sure.

The worst thing though, physical pain aside, was that I was apologising to them through. Oh, to be British...

Anyway, finally out of federal space and into the airport proper, I was in Minneaplois!

Wait, did it snow in Amsterdam?!

From there everything was... Well, I wouldn't say plain sailing. The flight to Denver was packed full of people, not a single seat free, and so getting on and off was a nightmare. The plane itself had also seen better days, with wobbly wings, flickering lights and a landing that was a bone shaking as they came all thrown into the mix. I'm also not sure if the tanoy was busted to pieces or the crew were completely incomprehensible, as my hopes for a clear safety announcement were dashed by everything they said over it not even sounding English.

The snow being sucked through the jet engines into a delicate white ribbon was pretty though.

Soon enough we reached Denver where I was planning to try and check out the.illuminati murals but to be honest, I was so done in by this point and baffled by the fact they have a train there, that I plain forgot. I did find this wonderful dragon though!

So! I'm somewhat agitated, very much exhausted, but I am here! And it's snowing! So if you don't mind, I'm going to go stare at the pretty white stuff we never see in my town anymore and hopefully return with something a little less rantastic next time. Until then!